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manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows. 3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. 4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals & bait in the same store. 5. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive. 6. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?" 7. If you are yelling at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle. 8. If you hear a redneck exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say. 9. Get used to the phrase "It's not the heat, it's the humidity". And the collateral phrases "You call this hot? Wait'll August." 10. There are no delis. Don't ask. 11. In conversation, never put your hand on a man's shoulder when making a point, especially in a bar. 12. Chili does NOT have beans in it. 13. Brisket is not 'cooked' in an oven. 14. Don't tell us how you did it up there. Nobody cares. 15. If you think it's too hot, don't worry. It'll cool down in December. 16. We do TOO have 4 Seasons: December, January, February, and Summer! 17. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Chevy 3500 pick-up is. 18. If someone tells you "Don't worry, those peppers aren't hot", don't believe them. 19. If you fail to heed my warning in #18 above, be sure to have a bowl of guacamole handy. Water won't do it. 20. Rocky Mountain oysters are NOT oysters. Don't ask. 21. If someone says they're "fixin" to do something, it doesn't mean anything's broken. 22. Don't even think of ordering a strawberry daiquiri. What you really mean to say is 'margarita.' 23. If you don't understand our passion for college and high school football and Nascar Racing just keep your mouth shut. 24. The value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but the availability of shade. 25. If you see a slower moving vehicle on a two-lane road pull on to the shoulder that is called "courtesy". Just pass him and wave. 26. If the driver of an oncoming vehicle raises his hand as he passes, he's just being friendly, not flipping you anything. 27. BBQ is a food group. It does NOT mean grilling burgers and hotdogs outdoors. 28. No matter what you've seen on TV, line dancing is not a popular weekend pastime. 29. "Tea" = Iced Tea. There is no other kind. 30. Everything goes better with Ranch dressing or picante sauce. 31. Jalapenos can be a side dish with any meal. 32. If someone tells you an area is "dry", they're not referring to the humidity. It means the residents have voted not to permit the local sale of alcohol. They all drive to the next town to get it. You'll have to, also. 33. Don't be worried about not understanding what other people are saying; they can't understand you either. 34. "Mom'n'em" is not one person. When someone asks: "How's yer Mom'n'em?", they're referring to the whole family. 35. Be advised that "He needed killin'" is a valid defense. 36. Don't be surprised to find that 10 year olds own their own shotguns and are proficient marksmen. Or that their mammas taught them how to aim. 37. Shakespeare is a rod or a reel, not a writer. 38. Duct tape is not only part of every survival kit, it is the whole kit. 39. Rasslin' is not fake. Don't dare whisper otherwise unless you want a kind hearted Texan to fix yer broken head with duct tape. 40. Grapefruit is NOT a substitute for biscuits and gravy. 41. Turkey hunters actually curse Noah for letting coyotes and armadillos on the Ark. 42. "Y'all come back now, ya hear," is a temporary statement. We love Yankees to visit, but "damn Yankees" are those who decide to stay. 43. Don't be surprised if an obituary mentions that the deceased requested to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because, "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of. 44. If you decide to stay in Texas and bear children, don't expect them to be accepted as Texans. If a cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call them biscuits! |
